Shepherding a Child’s

https://storysbook0786.blogspot.com

Shepherding a Child’s Heart  contains something very different.

The book teaches you what your goals as a parent ought to be, and how to pursue those ends practically. It teaches you how to engage children about what really matters, how to address your child’s heart

by your words and actions. It teaches you how communication and

discipline work together when parents love wisely. It teaches you how

your objectives shift as infants grow into children and as children grow into teenagers. Shepherding a Child’s Heart  will humble you. It will inspire you to become a different kind of parent. It will teach you

how by precept and example.

 

Most books on parenting actually don’t understand what children

—or parents—are really like. Their advice builds on a foundation

untrue to Scripture, untrue to human reality. Their bits of good advice

mingle with bits of bad advice because the overarching vision is

faulty; their bits of good advice totter or misfire because the

balancing elements of wise parenting are neglected. Tedd Tripp’s

book on parenting is different. The cornerstone is accurately aligned.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart  understands you and your children truly, so it leads in straight and wise paths. Tripp gives you a vision and he

makes it practical. You can’t ask for more.

 

Tedd Tripp is a seasoned parent, pastor, counselor, and school

principal. But more than that, he is a man who has listened well to God and has wrestled out what it means to raise children. Listen well

to him, and wrestle out what it means to shepherd your child’s heart.

 

David Powlison

 

Christian Counseling and

 

Educational Foundation

 

Laverock, PA

 

 

Introduction

 

Jennifer was failing to do her homework. Her teacher called

Jennifer’s folks to solicit help. But her parents could not help.

Twelve-year-old Jennifer would not obey them. Jennifer was not

under their authority. They had hoped that school would provide the direction and motivation they had not been able to provide for their daughter.

This story is not unusual. By age ten to twelve, scores of children

have already left home. I am not referring to the tragic “Times Square

kids” in New York City or your community. I refer to numbers of children who, by age ten to twelve, have effectively left Mom or Dad

as an authority or reference point for their lives.

 

Our culture has lost its way with respect to parenting. We are a rudderless ship without a compass. We lack both a sense of direction

and the capacity to direct ourselves.

 

How has this happened? Several problems have converged at this

intersection in our time and culture.

 

Many people have children, but do not want to be parents. Our

culture has convinced them that they need to quench their personal thirst for fulfillment. In a self-absorbed culture, children are a clear liability.

 

Thus, parents spend minimal time with their children. The notion

of quality time is more attractive than the old idea of quantity time.

 

Today’s parents are part of the generation that threw off authority.

The racial and antiwar protests of the 1960s powerfully shaped their

ideas. The protest movement took on the establishment. It changed

the way we think about authority and the rights of the individual.

 

As a result, it is no longer culturally acceptable for Dad to be the “boss” at home. Mom doesn’t obediently do what Dad says, or at least

pretend she does. Dad, for his part, no longer lives in fear of the boss or of being fired through caprice. Yesterday’s bosses used authority to

accomplish their goals. Today’s bosses use bonuses and incentives.

 

What is my point? Simply this: Children raised in this climate no

longer sit in neat rows in school. They no longer ask permission to speak. They no longer fear the consequences of talking back to their

parents. They do not accept a submis-sive role in life.

 

How does this bear on parenting? The old ways of parenting no

longer work. Old authoritarian ways are ineffective, but we do not know any new ways to do the job.

 

The church borrowed the old “you listen to me, kid, or I’ll cuff you” method of raising children. It seemed to work. Children seemed

to obey. They were externally submissive. This method fails us now because our culture no longer responds to authority as it did a

generation ago. We lament the passing of this way of rearing children

because we miss its simplicity. I fear, however, we have overlooked its unbiblical methods and goals.

 

Today’s parents are frustrated and confused. Children don’t act

like they should and parents don’t understand why. Many have

concluded the job is impossible. Some simply turn away in

frustration. Others keep trying to make the old 1950s John Wayne

approach work. Meanwhile, a generation of children is being wasted. Our evangelical culture is nearly as lost as the society at large. We

are losing our children. Parents of little children live in mortal fear of

adolescence. Parents of teens continually remind them that their day

is coming. When I had three teenage children, people would console

me. The expectation is that the problems grow with the children.

 

This book, however, asserts hope for the situation. You can raise

children in godly ways at the beginning of the 21st century. You need

not—indeed, you dare not—cave in, concluding that the task is

impossible. Experience may tell you failure is inevitable, but

experience is an unsafe guide.

 

The only safe guide is the Bible. It is the revelation of a God who

has infinite knowledge and can therefore give you absolute truth. God

has given you a revelation that is robust and complete. It presents an

accurate and comprehensive picture of children, parents, family life, values, training, nurture, and discipline—all you need to be equipped

for the task of parenting.

 

God’s ways have not proved inadequate; they are simply untried.

The church mirrors the problems of the culture because we weren’t doing biblical parenting a generation ago. We were just doing what worked. Unfortunately, we are still trying to do it, even though, because of changes in our culture, it no longer works.

 

Let me overview a biblical vision for the parenting task. The parenting task is multifaceted. It involves being a kind authority, shepherding your children to understand themselves in God’s world,

and keeping the gospel in clear view so your children can internalize

the good news and someday live in mutuality with you as people

under God.

Authority

 

God calls his creatures to live under authority. He is our authority

and has vested authority in people within the institutions he has established (home, church, state, and business). You must not be

embarrassed to be authorities for your children.

 

You exercise authority as God’s agent. You may not direct your

children for your own agenda or convenience. You must direct your

children on God’s behalf for their good.

 

Our culture tends toward the extreme poles on a continuum. In the

area of authority, we tend either toward a crass kind of John Wayne authoritarianism or toward being a wimp. God calls you by his Word

and his example to be authorities who are truly kind. God calls you to

exercise authority, not in making your children do what you want, but

in being true servants—authorities who lay down your lives. The

purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled

people living freely under the authority of God. Jesus is an example of this. The One who commands you, the One

who possesses all authority, came as a servant. He is a ruler who serves; he is also a servant who rules. He exercises sovereign

authority that is kind—authority exercised on behalf of his subjects.

In John 13, Jesus, who knew that the Father had put all things under

his authority, put on a towel and washed the disciples’ feet. As his people submit to his authority, they are empowered to live freely in the freedom of the gospel.

 

As a parent, you must exercise authority. You must require

obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you. You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster,

but as one who truly loves them.

 

Parents who are “benevolent despots” do not usually find their

children racing to leave home. Children rarely run from a home where

their needs are met. Who would want to walk out on a relationship in

which he feels loved and respected? What child would run from

someone who understands him, understands God and his ways,

understands the world and how it works, and is committed to helping

him be successful?

 

My observation after thirty-five years of school administration,

parenting, pastoral work, and counseling is that children generally do

not resist authority that is truly kind and selfless.

Shepherding If authority best describes the parent’s relationship to the child, the best description of the activity of the parent to the child is shepherding. The parent is the child’s guide. This shepherding process

helps a child to understand himself and the world in which he lives.

The parent shepherds a child to assess himself and his responses. He

shepherds the child to understand not just the “what” of the child’s actions, but also the “why.” As the shepherd, you want to help your child understand himself as a creature made by and for God. You

cannot show him these things merely by instruction; you must lead him on a path of discovery. You must shepherd his thoughts, helping

him to learn discernment and wisdom.

 

This shepherding process is a richer interaction than telling your child what to do and think. It involves investing your life in your child in open and honest communication that unfolds the meaning and

purpose of life. It is not simply direction, but direction in which there

is self-disclosure and sharing. Values and spiritual vitality are not simply taught, but caught.

 

Proverbs 13:20 says, “He who walks with the wise becomes wise.”

As a wise parent your objective is not simply to discuss, but to demonstrate the freshness and vitality of life lived in integrity toward

God and your family. Parenting is shepherding the hearts of your

children in the ways of God’s wisdom.

The Centrality of the Gospel

 

People frequently ask if I expected my children to become

believers. I usually reply that the gospel is powerful and attractive. It uniquely meets the needs of fallen humanity. Therefore, I expected that God’s Word would be the power of God to salvation for my

children. But that expectation was based on the power of the gospel and its suitability to human need, not on a correct formula for

producing children who believe.

 

The central focus of parenting is the gospel. You need to direct not

simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts.

You need to show them not just the “what” of their sin and failure, but

the “why.” Your children desperately need to understand not only the

external “what” they did wrong, but also the internal “why” they did

it. You must help them see that God works from the inside out.

Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to

recognize internal change.

 

Keeping the gospel in focus, you see, is more than helping our

children know forgiveness of sin through repentance and faith in

Jesus Christ. In the gospel there is the promise of internal

transformation and empowerment. Ezekiel 36 expresses well the

fullness of the gospel, (verse 25) I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and

from all your idols.  The grace of forgiveness is found in the gospel.

(26) I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  The grace of internal change is found in the gospel. (27) And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.  The grace of empowerment to live is found in the gospel. The gospel enables you and your children to face the worst in yourselves—your sin, your badness, and your weakness—and still

find hope, because grace is powerful.

 

Parents sometimes give children a keepable standard. Parents

think that if their children aren’t Christians, they can’t obey God from

the heart anyway. For example, the Bible says to do good to those who mistreat you. But when children are bullied in the schoolyard, parents tell them to ignore the bully. Or worse, parents tell them to hit

others when they are hit first.

 

This non-biblical counsel drives children away from the cross. It

doesn’t take grace from God to ignore the oppressor. It doesn’t take supernatural grace to stand up for your rights. To do good to

oppressors, however, to pray for those who mistreat you, to entrust yourself to the just Judge, requires a child to come face-to-face with

the poverty of his own spirit and his need of the transforming power

of the gospel.

 

The law of God is not easy for natural man. Its standard is high

and cannot be achieved apart from God’s supernatural grace. God’s law teaches us our need of grace. When you fail to hold out God’s standard, you rob your children of the mercy of the gospel.

Internalization of the Gospel

 

Ultimately, your children must internalize the message of the

gospel. Each child in a Christian home will at some point examine the

claims of the gospel and determine whether he will embrace its truth. Picture the process this way: The child holds the claims of the gospel

at arm’s length, turning it in his hand and determining either to embrace it or to cast it away.

 

The parent has a marvelous opportunity to help his young adult

child pursue with honesty all his questions of faith. The Word of God

is robust; Christian faith can withstand close, honest scrutiny.

Everyone does not have the obligation to ask every question, but

everyone has the obligation to ask every question that he has.

Mutuality as People under God

 

I recently had a conversation with my son. He was talking to me

about the things God was teaching him. He shared new insights into himself and what it means to know God in more than theoretical

ways.

 

As we talked together it seemed that I was talking not just with my son, but with another man. I wasn’t instructing him. We were

sharing the goodness of knowing God. I felt a wonderful sense of mutuality with this man (who was once a boy whom I instructed and

disciplined and for whom I had strived in prayer). Thank you, God.